Relationships
The most common question I get when coaching is about attaining or improving relationships. In particular men and women have many challenges when they try to relate to each other in an intimate manner. The difficulty is that they don't understand each other.
This is essentially because men and women are wired differently biologically. If you take a man and put him in a certain situation and you take a woman and you put her in the same situation, they will experience different thoughts and emotions, and notice different things.
The man doesn't have the reference experiences of a woman when he is trying to figure out why she is acting a certain way, nor does the woman have the reference experiences of the man when she is trying to figure out why he would act a certain way. So both men and women try to figure out the opposite sex but they have different information - they are missing information that applies, and they have additional information that doesn't apply - and they both get confused about why the other is doing something.
It is similar to trying to figure out why dogs love to sniff each other's butts. It seems disgusting and distasteful if we were to think of doing it ourselves. However, for dogs it smells good, it seems like the right thing to do, so they do it.
So each sex sees the other as doing something similar to going around and sniffing dog butts, it makes no sense. So I will try and put things into perspective by explaining what feels good for each sex and what seems right biologically speaking. The complication is that there are not just biological factors to consider in people's behaviors, but also cultural, religious, psychological and environmental ones. Therefore there will be many exceptions to what I am saying when these factors override the biological urges, but for now, I wish to just talk about things from a biological level as these are the least changeable factors in us, so instead of talking about a "man" or a "woman", I will use the terms male and female to indicate I am speaking not of the composite being, but only of the biological urges.
First off, there is one similarity between males and females at a purely biological level - unencumbered by other pressures, they are both essentially trying to reproduce. However, they are built differently so different strategies have evolved as successful over their evolution. These strategies are quite primal and can be observed in various other animals that live in social groups.
If you were to think of what kind of male would reproduce the most, the obvious answer would be one who could mate successfully with many women in such a way that his children have the opportunity to grow up and reproduce themselves. For a female, they can only mate with one male at a time, so they have to try to be selective in order to get good genetics, but also they need to be selective in terms of finding someone who will provide for them during their pregnancy and while they take care of the children when they are nursing, and devote some thought to the situation of how they will get resources while they grow up.
In order for the male to mate successfully with females, he must fight off the advances from other males towards the women of his choice, otherwise they might impregnate her first if she chooses them, or if they overpower her either physically or through seduction. Generally he must also impress them in some fashion to be chosen, either by being physically powerful, extremely seductive, or a leader, which comforts the female that if she mates with this male, her offspring will have a good chance to survive and reproduce.
The woman essentially needs to mate with the best male available and yet provide for the child growing up. The optimal strategy is to mate with a powerful male to get great genetics, but to entice others to help provide for her and the child.
Now, if everyone actually acted like that in an uninhibited fashion, always trying to dominate or screw over the other person, we would likely not have formed a workable advanced society, as human culture has evolved past a point of simply satisfying biological urges, but it's important to realize that they are there and a part of the attraction puzzle. A man can make efforts to make a better impression in terms of being sexually successful in order to add primal attraction to their relationships, and a woman can also make efforts to be desirable under the current conditions. A man simply can't attack his competitors outright these days, they would be thrown in jail.
This is essentially because men and women are wired differently biologically. If you take a man and put him in a certain situation and you take a woman and you put her in the same situation, they will experience different thoughts and emotions, and notice different things.
The man doesn't have the reference experiences of a woman when he is trying to figure out why she is acting a certain way, nor does the woman have the reference experiences of the man when she is trying to figure out why he would act a certain way. So both men and women try to figure out the opposite sex but they have different information - they are missing information that applies, and they have additional information that doesn't apply - and they both get confused about why the other is doing something.
It is similar to trying to figure out why dogs love to sniff each other's butts. It seems disgusting and distasteful if we were to think of doing it ourselves. However, for dogs it smells good, it seems like the right thing to do, so they do it.
So each sex sees the other as doing something similar to going around and sniffing dog butts, it makes no sense. So I will try and put things into perspective by explaining what feels good for each sex and what seems right biologically speaking. The complication is that there are not just biological factors to consider in people's behaviors, but also cultural, religious, psychological and environmental ones. Therefore there will be many exceptions to what I am saying when these factors override the biological urges, but for now, I wish to just talk about things from a biological level as these are the least changeable factors in us, so instead of talking about a "man" or a "woman", I will use the terms male and female to indicate I am speaking not of the composite being, but only of the biological urges.
First off, there is one similarity between males and females at a purely biological level - unencumbered by other pressures, they are both essentially trying to reproduce. However, they are built differently so different strategies have evolved as successful over their evolution. These strategies are quite primal and can be observed in various other animals that live in social groups.
If you were to think of what kind of male would reproduce the most, the obvious answer would be one who could mate successfully with many women in such a way that his children have the opportunity to grow up and reproduce themselves. For a female, they can only mate with one male at a time, so they have to try to be selective in order to get good genetics, but also they need to be selective in terms of finding someone who will provide for them during their pregnancy and while they take care of the children when they are nursing, and devote some thought to the situation of how they will get resources while they grow up.
In order for the male to mate successfully with females, he must fight off the advances from other males towards the women of his choice, otherwise they might impregnate her first if she chooses them, or if they overpower her either physically or through seduction. Generally he must also impress them in some fashion to be chosen, either by being physically powerful, extremely seductive, or a leader, which comforts the female that if she mates with this male, her offspring will have a good chance to survive and reproduce.
The woman essentially needs to mate with the best male available and yet provide for the child growing up. The optimal strategy is to mate with a powerful male to get great genetics, but to entice others to help provide for her and the child.
Now, if everyone actually acted like that in an uninhibited fashion, always trying to dominate or screw over the other person, we would likely not have formed a workable advanced society, as human culture has evolved past a point of simply satisfying biological urges, but it's important to realize that they are there and a part of the attraction puzzle. A man can make efforts to make a better impression in terms of being sexually successful in order to add primal attraction to their relationships, and a woman can also make efforts to be desirable under the current conditions. A man simply can't attack his competitors outright these days, they would be thrown in jail.